Dear Wai Po,
I am sorry for not visiting you for so long, not since before Chinese New Year. May you be well and happy always. How is your hand feeling? Do you sleep smoothly through the night and find relief with your back / joint aches? Please do not worry about me. I am staying away so as not to affect you too much.
I feel guilty especially at times like this when I think about how long I have not been to see you. Though I know in my heart that you are one person who without a doubt really does wish me well. In your own way, in your own perception on what denotes well. Sometimes I do feel that you are in fact wiser than mum or all the other aunts and uncles, your children. You just love me plainly for who I am, and do not impose any requirements or conditions on me. It is the most unconditional love I have experienced. Deep inside I am also afraid to think about the moment when you will leave us forever. Although I know that we will always be connected, that it does not end with death. I suppose I am more afraid of the event because in my imagination, it is finality. Sometimes I do feel that you are no longer your old self. And the true self is kind of floating benevolently, hovering above, keeping watch wisely. Seeing everything with wisdom and truth. Watching all our antics with humour. Wondering when is it will we cease our clowning and wake up.
How am I? I am fine, these past months have been like a dream. I left work, I went back to the shop, I did a flurry of activities, and there was a rush of momentum. My shop signboard is finally up (yes after 2 years!) and the license all done. But also very fast there was the fall out with the partners. Everything happened so fast. There were times I felt so fulfilled with the work at the shop – it was going unbelievably well with the customers, the exchanges with the partners, etc. And the next it was feeling so down and unsettled with the blow-up with the couple. Today is the 7th day, last day of the notice period. My feelings have settled down quite a bit, and I also did lots of karmic clearing on it. I think I have never felt quite so at peace with where I am in life, before this. Some days I feel that I am a detached spirit observing myself from up there. And then there will be the random person or two who gets in touch, wants to meet up, and have an exchange. It is those moments that recharge my batteries.
I am also glad that mum and dad have finally broken the taboo and begun seriously to plan the arrangements for their funeral plot, etc. I hear them discussing about what they want in the ceremony etc in the early morning, downstairs. Yes, I have worried and I do worry about the day. It is sort of like a paralysing kind of fear and worry. Again I am being the selfish me. Thinking that there will be so much to do, and that I would have to face it all alone.
Writing this is making me feel sleepy. The next five minutes is going to be about how I feel while writing this letter. It has made me cry several times, thinking of you. Thinking about my situation. But now that it is all out in words, it kind of feels like relief. Knowing that I will have to post it up later – well. That doesn’t feel too comfortable.
Anyhow. I should end here. I wish you all the very best in health and happiness. Hope to see you very soon.